Grandma's Angels

Nine years ago this week, my mom was preparing to leave this earth, and my sisters, Dad, and I sat vigil with her so that she would not be alone when time came for her to pass.

Emily and Ethan were little, just 3, and to make things easier with child care, they stayed out at my parents' house with Colleen and me instead of us trying to find babysitters for them.  Emily and I slept on a pallet on the living room floor, and she and Ethan entertained each other during the days of that long week.

On the Thursday before Mom died on Saturday, it was my turn to sit with her.  I got up quietly so as not to wake Emily and was sitting in Mom's room sewing when I saw the door slowly open and Emily poke her head in and smile at me.

"Can I come in?" she whispered.

I patted my lap, and she crawled up onto it, and we sat with her back to my front and her head nestled up under my chin. We were quiet for several minutes, just sitting there snuggling.  Then she turned her face up to me and whispered,

"Did you know that there are angels in this room?"

Goosebumps on my skin, I replied, "There are?  What do they look like?"

I expected her to give me the typical description of an angel to a 3-year-old...white with wings and a halo...but instead she said,

"They're gold!  And they have light!"

Barely able to breathe, I asked, "What are they doing?"

She looked over at my mom, sleeping in the hospital bed, and replied, "They're waiting to take Grandma to see Jesus!" and she smiled as bright as the sun and snuggled back down into my lap.

For the life of me, I could not see anything in the room that would make her say that.  It was not for trying, because I looked all around, but all I saw was the dresser and the windows and the closet door...I wished I could see what she saw.

One of my friends had the presence of mind to suggest that I have Emily draw what she saw that night, so a few days after Mom died, I gave Emily a piece of paper and some markers and asked her to draw the angels she saw in Grandma's room.  She got down to work and this is what she drew:

My mom is red with brown curls, lying in a bed with green covers.  The angels are the yellow faces.  Two have wings and two don't.  I don't know who the green person is.  Whenever I get down, especially this time of year, I get out this picture and remember the faith of children and what they can see with their untarnished eyes, and it gives me hope.

Keys to Nowhere

When I was at Lowe's the other day, I finally remembered to have keys to the front door made for the kids.  We've only lived here for 12 years.  I thought it was time!

I was working the front door key off the keyring and joking with the Lowe's guy that I didn't have any idea what half the keys unlocked anymore.  He was an older, Indian gentleman and raised his eyes at me and said quietly, "Why do you carry them around, adding weight to your life?"

"I don't know.  I never really thought of it.  Laziness, I guess," was my reply.

"Well," he suggested, "when you get home, why don't you take off the keys you don't know and put them in a dish?  Don't throw them away, in case you remember where they go, but just simplify your life a little."

I said that I thought that was a great idea, and mentioned that I have a lot of things I don't really know why I keep, and he said, "This is just a suggestion, but maybe if you take 10 minutes each day and rid yourself of what you don't need, soon you will find your life much improved.  I don't mean to tell you what to do, but just to suggest."

I replied that I thought that was a great idea and promptly came home and forgot.

But then today I got inspired.  I took a little more than 10 minutes to clean out our utility closet in the kitchen.  I bagged up years worth of end-of-the-year school supplies like blunt scissors, partially used crayons, colored pencils, and eraser tips.  I threw away things I no longer had any use for like old lunch boxes and torn Kroger bags and a tablecloth I was going to tear into rags 6 months ago and never did.  I organized our emergency bag full of batteries and flashlights and candles.  I cleaned out our kitchen cabinet that, now that Kyle is gone and they are not gathering in his backseat, is overflowing with mugs.

And in one cabinet, I found a dish of keys that I have no idea what they go to.  I remembered my conversation with the guy at Lowe's and went to my keyring, took off the other keys that I don't know and added them to the dish.

I only kept two keys on my key ring that no longer unlock anything anymore:  The key to my childhood home and the key to my grandma's house.  When my mom sold Granny's house, she kept the key to the front door.  It had been attached to a UofL Cardinal bird, and I can vividly remember her opening the door, and that bird swinging back and forth on the ring.  Mom finally gave it to Kyle when he was a little boy and loved keys.  I snagged it about 15 years ago and put it on my keyring.

Then when we sold the house on Northridge, I kept my key to the back door.  I could not for the life of me give it up.  I remember getting that very key when I was a freshman in high school 33 years ago.  My mom handed it over with gravitas saying, "Be VERY careful and don't lose this key.  If somebody finds it, they can get into our house!"  I have never taken it off the ring that I put it on way back when.

Today, my keyring contains one of Kirk's dog tags that he gave me the last time I saw him before he went to the Gulf War in 1990 and a St. X heart charm that I got when I joined the MOMS club when Kyle was a freshman.  There are keys to my house (both doors), 3 cars, a P.O. box, and those two keys that unlock only memories now.

My keyring is lighter now, but somehow today my heart is a little more heavy.