Worry Wart

My son has been a little extra worried about his health lately.  He's almost 20 and living in an apartment while attending university, and he's at the age where maybe he's starting to realize he's not invulnerable to life's problems.  I've tried to reassure him that the ringing in his ears is probably from wearing his earbuds 24/7 and that he should maybe give his ears a rest;  that his eye strain doesn't mean he's losing his vision, but that just maybe too much screen time is causing his issues.  To be safe, he went to the doctor for both problems, and he is fine, just like I said, but it got me to thinking about worry and how it affects me. I realized that I live in fear and have for a long time.  I'm not sure what to do about it, if anything, but I wanted to acknowledge it, and by doing so, hopefully put it in its place.  Here goes:

I was not always afraid.  I used to be able to hike and camp and go tubing down rivers in Texas without a thought of a snake.

Our campsite.  Inks Lake, TX 1990

I even took a picture of a sign on one of our camping trips that said, "Watch for snakes," because it amused me.

Inks Lake, TX 1990

I didn't like heights, but I wasn't afraid of falling off a cliff while standing five feet away from the edge.  I wasn't afraid of terrorists on the airplane or worried about finding an exit in a crowded room in case I had to evacuate quickly.  A headache was a headache and not a brain tumor.  A mole was a mole and not melanoma.

Things changed for me when I had kids.  Kyle was my first.  I started to become hyper-vigilant about every sniffle and cough, where he was, who he was with. Was he still breathing? Was that person watching him as closely as I would?  What if they didn't have covers over the outlets?  What if they left the toilet seat up, and he fell in or the lid came down and hit him in the head?  Was his food cut into small enough pieces?  What if he choked on a hot dog or a piece of carrot?

As he got older and began venturing out, I worried that he would get lost in our neighborhood or sneak over to Kroger, crossing the busy road at the end of our street.  We had woods across from our house, but I didn't like him to play there because there were older kids from the high school who hung out there, and I worried what they might do to him.  Or what if he got bitten by a snake?  What if he climbed a tree and fell out and hurt himself? If he wanted to spend the night at a friend's house, I worried that they might have a gun that was not locked away.  What if he found it?  He knew not to pick it up, but I'd seen Dateline. That didn't stop those kids.  And when he started playing with airsoft guns with his friends, I worried that someone would think he had a real gun, even though his had the orange tips, and would shoot him.  What if?  What if?  What if?

After my girls were born, I got a whole new set of worries.  What if some weirdo tried to molest them?  What if a boy tried to take advantage of them?  What if someone put something in their drink?  What if a boy liked one of them and became abusive?  What if some girl was jealous of them and did something mean?

They played sports.  What if they got a brain injury?  What if their teeth got knocked out?  What if they had an undiagnosed heart defect and they died on the field?  What if a ball hit them square in the chest and stopped their heart from beating?

Worry fills my life.  I have been around long enough to see every single one of my own concerns become reality in someone else's life, but  when they were young, I had some control.  I could be around much of the time in case something bad did happen.  I became a most efficient helicopter parent.  I'm sure I have set my kids up for years of therapy, and I am not kidding when I say that.

Now that they are older, the worry has become a constant companion for me.  Two of my three kids are driving.  One doesn't live here anymore.  The anxiety I have on a day to day basis sometimes overwhelms me because I no longer have control and the consequences are even more real than they were when they were younger.

They could have a wreck when driving.  They could hit someone or be hit.  They could lose control driving in the rain or on ice.  They could see someone needing "help" on the side of the road and stop and be assaulted.  Or hit by another car as they get out to assist the first person.  They could get pulled over by someone impersonating a police officer and get robbed or raped.

I worry that they are drinking underage.  Many teenagers do.  I don't think it's an issue with mine, but I'll never say never.  What if they are?  My dad was an alcoholic, so they could become one easier than a kid who doesn't have that gene.  I've told them this over and over, but did they listen?  What if they didn't?  What if they decide to drink but have no idea how much is safe and then get alcohol poisoning and die?  What if they are at a party and they drink too much and pass out and someone does something to compromise them and puts it on social media?  What if they decide to start smoking cigarettes?  God forbid, what if, despite all their dad and I have taught them, they decide to use drugs?

When my son goes camping with friends at Red River Gorge, I worry about him falling off a cliff while hiking or during the night if he has to go to the bathroom.  What if he gets attacked by a wild animal or bitten by a snake while out on the trail?  What if he meets someone on the trail who has stepped out of "Deliverance"?  What if he gets lost?

When my girls want to go skiing, I worry that they will hit a tree or slide into the road or a creek or get a concussion.  What if they fall out of the ski lift?  When my son went sledding the other night, I worried that he would get frostbite.

My son is planning a study abroad in Germany next semester.  What if there is a terrorist attack?  What if he gets abducted?  What if he gets taken advantage of by some ne'er do wells?  What if he runs out of money?  What if he gets in trouble with the law and ends up in jail somewhere?  What if he goes hiking and gets lost?  What if he gets sick overseas?  What if he gets talked into doing something that he shouldn't do?  Can he use the subway correctly?  What if he can't and he gets turned around and ends up in the wrong part of town and gets robbed?

What if he uses a chain saw and cuts off a body part?  What if she cooks a quesadilla and accidentally catches the kitchen on fire?  What if she goes to a friend's house who has cats and has an allergic reaction and dies?  What if her headache is meningitis and not a plain old virus?  What if their harness on the roller coaster breaks on the way down the hill? What if they take the cinnamon challenge and choke to death?  What if the plane they are on crashes?  What if they go too far out in the ocean and can't get back in?  What if there is a shark?

I haven't slept well for about 19 years.  My ears are trained for any odd noise or stirring from a bedroom down the hall.  I sometimes still check in the middle of the night to make sure my kids are breathing.

I know most of my fears are irrational, and they don't keep me from doing much (except hiking and camping) or letting my kids do most of what they want.  I know these things can and do happen, and I know that they most likely won't happen to my kids.  Still I think that they happen to some people's kids.  God forbid it be one of mine!  I try not to let my fear and worry consume my life or interfere with my kids' lives, but I'm not always very good at it.  I am trying to trust that I have taught them well and that they know what to do in case of emergency. It's just really, really hard.  I treasure the days and nights when I have all my kids at home, sleeping safely in their own beds, and I know where they are, and I can rest.

This parenting thing doesn't get easier as they get older.  In fact, it's harder because the consequences are real and they are out of my control.  I am learning that I cannot obsess over the bad things that might happen but that I should enjoy the good things that are happening.  I have three great kids.  They are smart and aware and thoughtful.  They have good friends and make good choices.  Stuff can happen, but like my wise friend, Amy, says, "Why worry?  That just means if it does happen, you have lived it twice."