Okay, maybe the title is being a little hyperbolic, but, damn! I am sick. of. this. I am sick of wearing masks. I am sick of MAKING masks. I am sick of my dining room being a sewing room. I am sick of feeling anxious if I cough or sneeze in public. I am sick of worrying when someone around me coughs or sneezes. I am sick of having to wipe down carts at Kroger and Target before I use them. I am sick of having to wait in my car until it's time to go in for an appointment. I'm sick of having my temperature taken. I'm sick of not seeing people's smiles. I'm sick of having to raise my voice to be heard while wearing a mask. I am sick of not being able to go out to eat and sit inside. I'm sick of squirting hand sanitizer on my hands every time I leave a store. I am sick of not seeing Claire. I am sick of not being able to go into my sisters' houses without a mask on. I am sick of worrying if school will be moved to virtual. I am sick of not going to the movies and the theatre. I am sick of seeing empty store shelves. I am sick of missing everything that I'm missing.
That sounds so pathetic, really. I'm not being asked to do much at all. I think back to times in history when people were made to ration food and gas and shoes. I think about letters my grandmother wrote about being able to get some good cuts of meat or soap (toilet paper, anyone?). I think that sacrificing what little we are being asked to sacrifice is really no big deal. My kids are safe. They haven't been drafted to fight a war. We still have our house and a nice life. I can still buy pretty much anything I want/need. But, god, this sucks. And no end in sight. Regular flu season on the horizon. Cold weather coming. At least now, we can enjoy being outside. What happens when it's 28*?
Added to this stress is all of the racial unrest in the country and especially Louisville right now. I am sick of that too, if I'm being honest. In May, protesters, rioters, destroyed downtown. Windows were smashed, buildings were tagged, benches and urns and signs were overturned. People tried to set the Hall of Justice on fire. Since then, stores have been looted. Streets have been blocked. People from out of town have come here with guns and threatened to burn our city down. This week, we've seen on social media that we should expect massive protests, especially on Tuesday, with cars blocking the interstate, and demonstrations at the mayor's house, the state attorney general's house, and a developer's house (why the developer, I have no idea.)
The state attorney general lives the next neighborhood over from me, maybe 1/4 mile as the crow flies. When they protested there a few weeks ago, we could see the news helicopters circling around filming everything. Our main thoroughfare was blocked by traffic going the wrong way. I was afraid it would turn into a riot and people would come into our neighborhood and start tearing things up.
I am afraid in my city now. I am so tired of being afraid.
I see the need for police reform. I see the issues with social justice and racial bias. I have been volunteering at the Kroger on 26th and Broadway every Saturday since the first week of June helping to pass out food and then organizing a free children's book give-away. I started voter registration last week. I am trying to make a positive difference in people's lives.
But I can't protest. I can't support the chanting, "Fuck the police" and throwing bottles of urine at them. I think some of the demands of some of the protesters are ridiculous. I have family members who are police, and seeing people acting so ugly to them really upsets me.
Again, I'm tired of living in fear.
Then there's the upcoming presidential election. I just can't even consider the idea of another four years of donald trump. It makes my anxiety ratchet through the roof.
I don't sleep well. I have crazy dreams. I am grumpy and short with people. My attention span is shot to hell. I feel like I have PTSD. I probably do in some respect. I get nothing done. I sit outside and try to enjoy my garden. It is one of the few things that gives me pleasure. I dread when everything dies and it's bleak all winter. Ugh. What a horrible decade 2020 has been!
