It's been a while since I've written. I'm too exhausted most of the time to do much of anything once I'm finished with work and house or yard stuff. I miss writing, though, so I'm taking time this morning to put some thoughts down.
I haven't written anything about going back to work. I'm not sure why. It was a huge change in my life for sure. That whole time was pretty overwhelming, so maybe I just didn't have the words. I do now.
When it became clear that I needed to find a job, I wasn't sure where to even look. I had been out of the workforce for so many years that I was pretty sure I would be stuck with retail or something similar. I was sitting on the patio checking email one day when I got a blast email from Holy Cross that they were looking for a theology teacher and campus minister. The thought crossed my mind that I could do that. I had worked with kids and ministry all my life. I used to teach. I thought about it for a hot minute and then moved on. The next day, I saw the same notice on Holy Cross's Facebook page. I got that nagging feeling in the back of my mind like I do that this was something I needed to pay attention to, but again, I scrolled on. Not long after that, I got another notice about it. I can't remember now if it was an email, or it came up on Facebook again. This time, I thought, "Okay, God. I hear you."
I reached out to my high school friend, Susan, who works there and asked about it. She was so supportive and encouraged me to apply. Kirk helped me get my CV together, and I emailed it in on a Monday. That night, the principal called me to see if I would come in for an interview on Wednesday. I did, and by the following Monday, I had the job. I would be the senior theology teacher for Catholic Social Teaching, have a class of sophomores for Paschal Mystery/Church History, and shadow to be the next campus minister. It was so fast, I didn't even have time to think, but when I did, I panicked. Holy crap! I hadn't been in a classroom for years! The last time I taught, I used an overhead projector. I was so scared of the technology piece I almost shut down. The curriculum was a breeze, but my tablet sent me into a tizzy. But there I was, going back into the classroom where I knew I belonged.
It was a rough start. OneNote. Teams. Online learning for kids who had Covid. Masking up every day. Creating content. It was a s t r u g g l e. I was blessed to have a great principal who sat with me and walked me through how to use the gradebook. How to make a seating chart. How to do lunch count. Our IT guy is a SAINT on earth. He was so patient with me and worked with me without any sighs or eye rolls. I learned stuff. I created lessons. I had success. I failed a lot. My brain was exhausted all of the time. I slept in my room during planning periods. I loved, loved, loved my students...Well, most of them anyway! Lol!
I loved my job, but I felt like an imposter. How could I possibly be doing this? I kept waiting for someone to see that I really didn't know what I was doing but I kept getting good reviews on my observations. I got kuddos from my principal, constant reassurance that I was doing a great job. Eventually, I began to believe in myself.
Part of me felt really angry that I was back at work, that my life was upended without my consent. I didn't want Kirk to know I was happy at what I was doing. Part of me felt like this job, if I had to work, was my consolation prize from God. That if I had to work, then I was going to be able to do something that I loved, and it gave me the chance to be creative and have fun and have time off to nurture my soul. It took me a long time to let go of the anger and just enjoy being at work.
I still feel like an imposter. I still have some resentment for having to go back to work without my consent. It's not as strong as it was, and that's good. I often ask myself if I won the lottery would I still get up at 5:45 every morning and go teach a bunch of teenagers. I think yeah. I'm pretty sure God put me here for a reason. I love what I do, and I'm not done yet.
