A month from hell

My dad died on July 27. It was a blessing in a way, but it just really sucks not to have any parents. I won't get a card to "daughter" this year :(.

We are doing okay. I'm pretty much numb. If you have a minute, I will tell you what happened in my life since we got back from vacation on July 3...

While we were in Florida, my sisters called and said Dad was in the hospital with congestive heart failure. He was stable, so they told me to stay, so we did. When I got home, I began the near-daily trip to the hospital and then rehab center to keep tabs on what was going on, pick up and do Dad's laundry, bring him stuff from home, etc. It was getting to be a drag, to be honest. I had spent all of last summer moving him, getting the houses ready to buy/sell, and redoing our basement in the process, and I really wanted to have fun with the kids this summer.

We also could see that Dad was not getting well enough to go home alone. My sisters and I were trying to figure out what to do to keep him safe. After 19 days in rehab, he was headed home, and we finally got him to agree to go to a skilled nursing facility nearby (like 2 minutes from my house and 5 min from my sister's) so that he could get even stronger before heading home.

Meanwhile...

Kyle had volunteered to go to a mission in Appalachia for the week of July 17. We got him packed up and sent off with the teacher and some other kids from St. Xavier where he goes to school. There were about 6 schools from around the country going. When they got there, the kids were mixed into groups, and each day, they would work in the community to visit the elderly, work on a Habitat House, work on the farm, etc.

On Tuesday, it was Kyle's group's turn to cook for the kids on the mission. After fixing breakfast, lunch, and chopping wood for the evening's bonfire, they headed down to the creek/swimming hole for some relaxation during their free time. Kyle and another boy, Andrew, swam across the creek, about 40 yards wide. Two girls joined them. A fifth boy, named Finoy, was coming across as well and about half way across, he seemed to be having some trouble. Kyle and Andrew's first inclination was to go help him, but the girls went to school with Finoy, and told the boys that he was always joking around like that and that he wasn't having trouble. So they watched.

After about 30 seconds, Finoy went under and didn't come back up. Kyle and Andrew realized it wasn't a joke and dove in to grab him, but they couldn't find him. They dove under about 3 or 4 times and then called to the bank for someone to call 911. It took the EMS about 20 minutes to get there, and the whole time, Kyle, Andrew, and some of the other kids and adults at the creek kept swimming down under water looking for Finoy. Kyle said after about 4 minutes, he knew it was too late, but all he kept thinking was that "Somebody has to call his mom and dad. I had to find him, Mom!"

Once the EMS got there, the kids were sent to the mission house and had a prayer service and then mass. We got the call about 7 p.m. that there had been a drowning and that the boys were coming home and would be in about midnight. The teacher told me that a couple of the boys from St. X had seen the drowning, but he didn't know who. I prayed all evening that it wasn't Kyle, but not only had he seen it, he had been intimately involved with it.

We found out later that Finoy's body had been found in the spot where he went down, in a sink hole that was 20 feet deep, caught in a whirlpool that was hidden beneath the calm water on the surface. It had rained upstream, and the currents were strong. He got caught in a recirculating hole, and there would have been no way Kyle or Andrew could have saved him. The water rescue guy I spoke with said if anyone had tried to save Finoy without some type of rescue device, he would have gone down with him. I can't get that image out of my mind. If I lost Kyle, I would die.

So, Kyle got home about 12 a.m., and we drove home. He talked and talked about what happened. Once we got home, he told Kirk about it, and this time, he broke down and sobbed, saying, "All I can think is that a boy was drowning, and I stood there and watched! I should have gone in to help!" He talked and cried until about 2 a.m. and finally fell asleep exhausted.

The next day, I took him to the school counselor and he talked and talked. We were there for over an hour.

A prayer service was planned for the St. X boys who went to the mission. The day of the prayer service, Thursday, we had moved Dad to the nursing home. I got him set up after Colleen dropped him off. He told me he wasn't feeling well and that he had thrown up that morning before leaving rehab. He ordered just soup for lunch but didn't eat it. I left him about 2 and went home to get ready for the trip to Chicago and go to the prayer service..

At the service, we found out one boys' parents were driving their son to Chicago for Finoy's funeral and were offering to drive anyone who wanted to go with them. Kyle REALLY wanted to go, but I wasn't okay with him going without a parent along, so I volunteered to go as well. We were supposed to drive up on Friday afternoon, spend the night, and then attend the funeral the next morning, then drive home.

Kirk was in the midst of planning the first ever USO Homefront concert for that following Tuesday. Mrs. Biden was supposed to be there in person. There was to be a live address from Mrs. Obama. Montgomery Gentry was playing, and 18,000 free tickets had been given out as well as broadcasting the show on the Pentagon Channel. Troops from Afghanistan and Iraq were going to be able to watch it and some of them were giving shout outs to family members in the audience. It was a huge deal, and I told Kirk that I would take care of Kyle and for him to do whatever it was he had to do. You know how that is.

So Friday morning I called Dad to see how he was. He said he wasn't feeling better and had thrown up again. He got sick while talking to me on the phone. I told him to call his nurse and that I would call the desk and make sure someone went down to check on him. We thought it was a virus or something minor. I called Colleen, and she went to see him. She called me back and said that the nursing home had done an xray and found an intestinal blockage and they were going to send Dad to the ER if an enema didn't get him some relief. About 1, she called back and said they were on their way to the hospital but that Kyle needed me more, and I should go to Chicago. She didn't think this was life-threatening at this point.

So I took my girls to Colleen's house so they could watch each other (Colleen's boys are 12 and 9) until her husband got home, but the next thing you know, she was calling me to tell me that Dad was really bad and she wasn't sure I should go. Then at 3, her husband, John, called and said that Dad was horrible and he didn't think he would make it and that I should get to the hospital right now.

The boys, the couple, and the teacher who had been on the trip were all meeting at my house at 4 to caravan to Chicago. I didn't see how Dad could be that bad so fast, and I REALLY wanted to go to Chicago, but all the adults said I should stay home, and that they would take care of Kyle. He hugged me and said, "Mom, you stay with Poppy. I will be okay." So I let him go and I headed to the hospital.

Dad was in bad shape when I got there. He was in severe respiratory distress, and we either had to medicate him to make him relax or intubate him, which in his Living Will he expressly said he didn't want. We got him oxygen through a CPAP machine and morphine to help him relax and by late that evening, his O2 levels were so low that he developed brain damage from lack of oxygen and went into a coma. He never woke up.

Kyle got home late Saturday night wanted to see Poppy, so Kirk brought him up. My sisters and I were with Dad 24/7 for the 5 days he was in the hospital. Kirk was popping in and out to check on us and bring us things. Our kids were farmed out hither and yon. On Tuesday, I got a call from Kyle that let me know he needed me, so I went home to be with him. I thought he needed me more than my dad at this point. I knew I had done all that I could do for Dad when it mattered and there was nothing I could do any more.

Kyle and I went to breakfast with my aunt and uncle and then I took Kyle to see one of the other counselors I know who deals in post traumatic stress. Kirk met us there, and we all talked about things and how to deal with the sadness and the guilt. It was good. After that Kyle and I went to a music store, and I bought him an acoustic guitar that he'd been wanting. He came home and played, and I went back to the hospital.

We moved Dad to Hospice the next morning.

On Wednesday, Kyle was supposed to start another camp, this one through the McConnell Center at the University of Louisville. It was called Young Leaders' Academy, and he had applied in June for it, and only 25 kids from the state of Kentucky were accepted. It was 4 days and nights at UofL in the dorm, with all expenses paid, interaction with McConnell Scholars, professors, etc. They were discussing historical leaders, and what makes a leader a hero or a villain. The one topic that got his attention was the question of whether Harry Truman was a hero or a villain because of his use of the atomic bomb.

He went on and went with the understanding that we would let him know if something happened to Dad. Kirk dropped him off that morning, and I let the director know what had been going on in Kyle's life. That evening after Dad died, I drove down to UofL because I didn't want Kyle to find out what had happened via text from a friend. He was coming out of the elevator on his way to swim with his new friends. When he saw me he looked at me like, "What are you doing here?" and then a second later, it was like, "Oh."

I told him Poppy had died and said he could come home if he wanted, but that the visitation and funeral weren't until Sunday and Monday after the camp had ended. I said Poppy had been so proud of him that he would want Kyle to stay. Kyle asked if I was okay with that, and I said absolutely, so he gave me a hug and a kiss and headed to the pool.

Kyle was a pall bearer for my dad at the funeral. He looked so grown up. You would not have known him. We've had him talk to the counselor again, and he seems to be doing okay. Me...not so much. I fixate on Finoy and the dynamics of recirculating holes and drownings and how Kyle could be dead right now. I listen to the messages Dad left on my phone over and over. I walk around his house roaming the rooms and can't believe he's gone. It's like he's still in rehab.

So, that's what I've been through in a month. My kids go back to school on Wednesday (girls) and Thursday (Kyle). I will collapse once they are gone. I got a gift certificate for a day at the spa for my birthday. I am going to use it!