Because I Said So

"Wach mom I'll be the only one on the street with long pance on Wendy will have them on every one will have them on except me.
To you mom From Sharron"
March, 1974 It was warm and Sharron wanted to put shorts on.


I found this note I had written to my mom almost 40 years ago in a box of papers I'd been going through. It struck me for several reasons. First, I thought it was sweet that my mom had been amused enough by it to keep it, date it, and explain why I was mad. Then I remembered the time (maybe not this time because this happened a lot) when it was warm outside on a spring day, and my mom wouldn't let me wear shorts. My best friend, Wendy, got to wear them. Our other friend, Bert, got to wear them. I could wear a tee shirt and go without a coat, but I had to wear long "pance." When I'd press my mom for a reason, she'd say something like, "Because it's March, and you can't wear shorts in March." If I would keep on pressing long enough to cross the line, she'd look me in the eye and say, "Because I said so." That was it. End of story. No more arguing. I'd hang my head in defeat and accept the reality that someone else besides me was in charge, and I had to let it go.

It used to drive me crazy. I hated the reasoning behind, "Because I said so..." I didn't make sense.

"But WHY do you you say so? Why can't I..."

"Because I said so," would be the reply. Again, end of discussion.

And I vowed when I was a parent that I would never use that as a reason why one of my children couldn't do something. I read parenting books out the wazoo that said, "Give your child a reasonable answer for your decision, and he will accept it better than the old 'because I said so' reason." Made sense to me, I thought. That's how I am going to parent. Not necessarily better, just different.

So when my children would ask if they could do something like ride their bikes in the street without a helmet or use a ladder to climb a tree, I'd sit them down and explain, "Because it's not safe. What if you are riding your bike and a car comes along and doesn't see you?" or "Because if you need a ladder to get started climbing a tree, then it's too high for you to be climbing." It seemed to work for most everything. Occasionally, I would get the, "But why?" and I'd explain again in more detail. And I'll admit that a few times I resorted to, "Because I said so." But those were usually few and far between and when I was particularly stressed out or didn't have time for a lengthy explanation.

Yes, reasoning worked like a charm. Until the kids hit their teenage years and started developing their higher order thinking skills and the ability to turn anything into a debate.

"No, you may not ride in a car with your friend who just got his license...Yes, I'm sure he's a good driver...He's never had an accident? Well I hope not. He's only had his license for 3 months!...No, you can't just drive with him to Taco Bell...I know it's not that far...I'm sure he'll only go the speed limit and use his blinkers and come to a complete stop at each red light. You still can't do it...Stop arguing with me. You cannot ride with him...Because I said so."

"You may go to the movies on Friday, but I am going along. I won't go to the same movie as you, but I'm going to be in the theater...Why? Because I love you, and it's not a safe place for a 12 year old girl to be at night without a grown up present...I don't care if your friends live nearby and do it all the time. You are not your friends...No, you can't walk to your friend's house after to the show...There is a nightclub in that mall and a lot of drug use nearby...I'm sorry that you feel that way, but these are your options: Either I stay at the theater and bring you home after or you don't go...Because I said so."

I am beginning to see the wisdom in my parents' parenting. "Because I said so" works. Yes, my kids get mad when I use it. I got mad when my mom used it. I totally get it. "Because I said so," means, "That's It. No more arguing. You are not going to change my mind. " And that sucks when you are a teenager and trying to look cool and exert your independence. Oh well. Sometimes you don't get your way. Sometimes you don't know best. Sometimes you just have to be the only one who doesn't get to do something.

Because I said so.