Now. Not When September Ends

It's my melancholy time of year.  "Wake Me Up When September Ends" has been my theme song for this season.  Summer vacation is drawing to a close, and with it, the carefree days spent with my kids.  Soon we will find ourselves in a routine of school, dance class, volleyball practice, and homework.  I will be alone during the day once again, and when the kids are home, we will not have the time that we do now.  Kyle will be back at school, and his presence here will be missed.  I need to find something constructive to do to occupy myself, so I don't keep dreading the fall.

We didn't do a lot other than chill.  I mean, okay, we went to Europe for 10 days, but other than that, we just kind of hung out at home.  One day we went to Frankfort.  We went to the movies.  We went to the pool a couple of times.  The kids went to friends' houses or had friends over.  We stayed up late and slept in.  It was a relaxing summer, and while I sort of wish we would have done more stuff, I kind of liked just being home with the buzzing of activity that comes with three teenagers zipping about.

July, August, and September are how I count years now.  January 1st means nothing but the change of year in my check book.  But July, August, and September...Those months mark so many significant dates for me...Four years since Dad died...my birthday (another year older...ugh!)...seven years since Kris died...ten years since Mom...Wasn't I just dropping Kyle off at kindergarten?  I was pregnant with Emily, and I can remember Claire crying in the backseat, "I want Kyle!" as we pulled away.  Now fourteen years later, Emily is starting our final year at Holy Trinity.  What?  Claire with bows in her hair every day of first grade.  Emily and Ethan and our weekly lunch dates after preschool.  Where did the time go?

These months always make me reflective.  Remembering Mom's and Dad's last days, both so different, but each just as final.  The call from Pete that Kris had passed...I had just taken the kids to the state fair.  My birthdays.  Haven't I just turned 30?  How can I almost be 48?  My life is half over. What have I done with it?

See what I mean?

Every year this time is the same thing.  Sadness.  Melancholy.  Dread.

I hate the cold days and the long, dark nights.  I hate the bare trees and monochrome landscape that is winter.  I hate the layers of clothes and shoes that come with it.  Even though there are still many weeks until this reality, August reminds me that it is coming.  The occasional yellow leaf on a tree.  The odd cool morning.  The quiet in my house when the kids are back in school.

I know this about myself.  I get in a bad mood every year, and I don't like that.  Instead, this year, I will try to embrace this day.  This moment with my kids, my flowers, my summer evening.

I'm making plans for this fall.  I am heading to Boston for a few days at the end of August to visit my sweet Aunt Nanette and Uncle Jim.  I did that a couple of years ago, and it was such a wonderful visit and a great buffer between the end of summer and the start of school.

I hope to take my dear Aunt Jeri to West Virginia to see her daughter/my cousin.  I've been wanting to go, and she has no way to get there.  I can take her, so I think I am.

I'd like to go to Missouri to see Rocky Ridge where Laura Ingalls Wilder and her husband Almanzo lived.  I've seen her home on Plum Creek and have been to DeSmet, South Dakota and seen those places.  Missouri is next.

I may start a gratitude journal to remind me how truly blessed I am, how much I have to be thankful for, how fantastic my life is.

I do know that I don't want to sleep through September.